Category Archives: Humor

Happy Hanukkah – from Put It In Your Act!

   During one holiday season, I found myself at a local hardware superstore with my son.  Eric was three at the time and he was sitting in the shopping cart as I walked up and down the aisles looking for a replacement toilet seat.  Eric was starting to use the “potty” and we wanted to get a child’s seat, so he wouldn’t fall in.  As soon as he laid his eyes on the Garfield toilet seat, he was mesmerized.    He asked if we could get it.  It was about ten dollars more expensive than a regular child’s seat.  I tried to talk him out of it, but to no avail.  I then said that since we hadn’t bought him all of his eight Hanukkah gifts yet, if he really wanted the special Garfield seat, it would be his eighth gift.  He eagerly agreed. 

   As we were proceeding to the checkout area, a nice little old lady approached us.  She smiled at Eric and asked him if he was a good boy and what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.  As I began to wonder how to respond, he simply stated, “We celebrate Hanukkah.” 

   The lady quickly smiled at Eric and said, “Well I’m sure you are a good boy and your parents will get you some great gifts for Hanukkah.” 

   He then proudly showed the lady the toilet seat and said, “This is my favorite Hanukkah present from my parents!”  The lady walked away.  She probably then recognized me as the guy who tried to pocket the dollar bill at midnight mass years ago.

“An excerpt from Put It In Your Act! – Chapter 13 – The Dreaded Holiday Dilemma”

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PupikPalooza 2010 announcement

On the heels of Pete Townshend’s wardrobe malfunction while performing his signature guitar windmills at Super Bowl XLIV in Miami this past January a world wide music festival has been born.  Pete briefly flashing his belly button sparked the  creation of PupikPalooza 2010 which will be held this year at the world renowned Hotel Pupik in Scheifling Austria.   The fusion of music and belly buttons got its name from the Yiddish word for belly button, Pupik.  The lineup of celebrities and musical acts currently include:

Sade, Barbara Eden (AKA Jeanie), Britney Spears, and Shakira and a special encore performance by none other than Pete Townshend himself.

The concert  is being sponsored by the US Naval Academy.  Other advertisers include the Association of Laparoscopic Surgeons, the Florida Navel Orange Growers Board and Lindt chocolate.

More details to be announced shortly.

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Thanks for the warning – I almost ate a peanut!

Check out this informative packaging.  There is a warning that says the package may contain peanuts!  I should hope so.  That’s why I bought them!

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Eggs-it stage right!

Egghead from the 1960’s Batman series portrayed by Vincent Price

I can’t eggsplain it, but Egghead was my favorite character from the Batman series I watched on TV as a kid.  The best part was how he’d integrate “Egg” into his speech.  Here’s some good eggspressions:

What do you think of Eggsistentialism?

My omelette smells eggsellent!

I’m sure Egghead bought Microsoft-(boiled) Eggcel at Egghead Software.

The eggplant parm was eggzactly what I was hankering for.

Do YOU have any good eggzamples?

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Some of my favorite quotes from Put It In Your Act!

Describing my friend Dave…

Dave would also on occasion, take a Pep-O-Mint Life Saver, swallow it whole with a glass of water (aspirin style) and then exclaim, “Ah, that’s refreshing.”   Besides that, I guess he was pretty normal.

On the idea of writing a book called, “Urine for An Adventure”…

He reminded me of the time I was going to write a book entitled, “What to Expect When You’re Expectorating;” a handy self help book.  I disbanded that effort thinking that since a severe flu season was predicted, I’d be just yet another author following on the coattails of popular releases like “The Idiot’s Guide to Coughing” and “Sputum for Dummies.”

On trying to rid my yard of a gopher…

It quickly became apparent that the entire bush was on fire.  It was embarrassing when another neighbor who was a member of the volunteer fire department drove over and helped extinguish the fire. 

On trying to lose some girls at a Jewish Singles breakfast

The women were getting somewhat suspicious, when we all ordered 12 ounce glasses of prune juice and gulped them down as if they were shots of tequila screaming l’chaim in unison.

On giving my young son a haircut….

As soon as I turned on all the equipment, he began to cry and flail his arms wildly.  I held him down with one hand and began to Flowbee his tiny head with the other.  It was like I was shearing a small sheep. 

On following the Jewish custom of selecting a baby name after a relative that has passed away…

Like a bad game of Scrabble, we just didn’t have good letters to work with. We would simply choose a relative whose name began with the first letter of the name we liked and kill him.

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Exit stage left

My Garmin GPS is ok, but the voice was boring.  I changed it to the French voice, but even with 5 years of French, I couldn’t understand it.  Fearing my insurance rates would rise, I chose the British voice, named her Ruthie though I still yearn for something a bit more entertaining.  Do they make celebrity voices?  I would love a Snagglepuss voice.  Just imagine his voice guiding your travels:

Heavens to Murgatroid, when possible make a U turn!

Take the next exit stage left, even.

Oh my achin’ sacroiliac, watch the speed bump even!

Click to listen Exit stage right, or Hold it – Stop even!

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